Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
