I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
