Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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