Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
