12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i drank out of a bidet.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
