saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
