the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
