god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
