I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
