peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
