I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
