I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
