I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
