no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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