is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
