remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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