You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
