I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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