Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
