I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
