I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
