We named our party play list daddy issues
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
