I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
