the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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