Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
