My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
