I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
