just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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