I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
why does every cop we meet know your name?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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