my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
only you would photoshop your dick
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
