I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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