Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
