im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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