So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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