I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
