I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
