How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
