i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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