The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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