Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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