just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
