her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
