mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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