When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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