I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
