Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
