LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
