im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had to cum in my sink.
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