hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
