I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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