Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
